An aside

An aside: One of my goals in writing “kids this week” is to make a record of the lives of my family, something that Alex and Chloe can look back on when they become parents themselves (and I *gulp* become a grandmother!). I know that people only remember a small fraction of the things that happen in their lives, and I like the idea of recording some of the simple, everyday moments that sparkle, so that when I look back at these times I can hold on to more of the joy and beauty that kids this age bring. However, this week I’m feeling like it is also important to record some of the things we struggle through, to make the story more complete, and hopefully to give Alex and Chloe something to draw on as they have their own inevitable struggles with parenthood. One of the things I’ve been struggling with is anger and my expression of it. Kids have a knack for wearing one’s patience thin and with no patience left, anger often follows. I’ve been striving to increase my level of calm and yell less, but often fall quite short of that goal. I don’t want my kids to grow up thinking that they have to be perfect to avoid my wrath. Talking with other Moms we share stories of our embarrassing moments when we aren’t the parent we’d like to be. One Mom said she yelled herself hoarse one day. Another said admitted that she got so angry that she hopped up and down to emphasize her point. Another admitted that her child said “that person on TV yells almost as loud as you, Mommy”. One of my low moments came when I told Chloe to use an “inside voice” and she said “Why? You yell ALL the time!”. Some times yelling is necessary just to be heard over the screaming of Alex and Chloe as they clash, but mostly it is just a cheap intimidation tactic. I’m glad that spanking children has gone out of vogue and that people now believe that hitting children just teaches them fear and teaches them that adults use hitting to solve their problems. But, sometimes in a moment where my patience has worn to nothing and I struggle to think of a way to make the kids behave, I think “Boy, if I just smacked them on the butt I wouldn’t have to struggle to think of a motivator. It would be a quick and easy way to make them realize that if they don’t do what they are supposed to, something bad will happen”. Chloe was asking about a story in a library book in which a child was spanked. I explained how Granddad’s Mommy used to hurt his bottom when he didn’t behave. Chloe was stunned quiet (unusual for a girl who is almost never quiet). It’s hard to not get the result you want right away, but I’m finding it is worth the wait. Alex threw such fits a few weeks ago about having to use the potty without me standing in the room. It was tempting to spank him, but I didn’t (I did yell a few times, of which I am not proud). Now Alex uses the potty all by himself and has even started asking to close the door for “privacy”. It is nice that my generation has demanded that men help with the kids and demanded that women get time off now and again to recharge. I don’t know how the women of previous generations did it all by themselves. In the end I know I can’t expect perfection from myself any more than I can from my kids, but that doesn’t mean I can't try to be better. My kids are worth it.